ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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