apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
