yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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