That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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