Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
