Need sex. Gaining weight.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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