am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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