My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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