I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
