I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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