i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
