when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
