my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
