i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize