I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My feet surprised me
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