happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
