alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
