It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
