we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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