I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
