Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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