Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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