Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
