I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he told me I talked like a deaf person
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
