We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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