I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
