i may or may not be watching the land before time
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
