What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
