I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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