Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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