I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
