just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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