mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
