here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
