would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
