1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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