My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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