i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The power of my boobs compel you
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
