I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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