I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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