Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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