There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
