half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
