Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
