Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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