this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
