I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
