at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
