I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
