Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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