I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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