"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Randomize
