Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
