i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
