My first STD was from a foam party
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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