I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
should my penis look like a turkey
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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