Umm I'm too high to move.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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