either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
