every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
