We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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