im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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