My first STD was from a foam party
time to smoke my breakfast
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
